Sunday, August 20, 2006

Unsettled in Singapore...

It has been a dull day - cloudy for the most part... but nevertheless a day of rest bestowed upon me, a solitude most welcome amidst the din of life rushing by...

Never have I had the time to sit down to look back in retrospect - at least for the past 1/2 year or so - ever since my journey to the Highlands. I never ever seem to have to time nor the ability to have some quiet time - I fear that the din of work, obligation and just plain irritation tend to overshadow all else...

Not today, not today - perched on the balcony on the 11th floor of Sheraton Towers in Singapore - where I have regained some semblance of peace and quiet. Very quiet in fact... so much so the flutter of a newpaper next to the air inlet the primary background noise. But nevertheless, the peace is unsettling - for it grants me a clarity of mind - a break in the clouds...

Why am I doing here so far away from where my heart sits all those lonely miles away between the cliffs of the Atlantic Ireland? What should the future holds for one who is not whole - neither here nor there? What should I do to alleviate the pangs of distance of one I so love? Where can be the middle ground where we can live- and let live?

In career (with reservations about the stupidity and total ineffectiveness of my workplace), in money, in enjoyment, in friends I lack not - climbing up (or rather being placed on a pedestal) to being a manager of a fast growing firm at 26 years of age, Friends that are lifelong and eminently loyal and caring crowds around me, wages that are above average for Malaysian standards, food around every corner... travel in every quarter...

But why am I unsettled? Why am I miserable at times, melancholic in others? I fear the answer stands stark before me, towering above a plain of gray nothingness...

I am not whole - and will never be unless...

Unless...

*sigh*

I have my tiny little lady by my side...

*grin*

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Doing time...

Contrary to what your may believe... doing time does not have to be in a prison - it can be in a place, in any place where you feel as if you are in exile... it can be when you are missing someone or something very special.

I woke up today miserable - clutched in the hands of desperation. I live in a world of the constant buzz of work, of cars lined up behind one another - of people rushing into buildings, in the temporal space between meetings...

I live in a world where everyone wants to have results at the push of a button, a world of raised hands frantically gesturing at the waiter - in a world of information crossing continents in a blink of an eye... a world where clear liquids can be explosives, where man is the hunter and the hunted...

All these fade into the background as I sat down staring at empty tables in a nearly empty restaurant - with waiters shuffling about in a almost hushed silence and a boy walked over to a girl with a soft blond hair and rosy cheeks, asking for her number and glad to have bumped into her again after all these years.

An almost surreal reality settled into place as the same boy nervously hold a bunch of flowers in a crowded airport, looking for the same blond hair and rosy cheeks - settling down for a cup of coffee amidst an oppresive silence.

Images blurred as rivers flow by, waiters ran between tables, different tables flashed in and out - flitting from restaurant to restaurant. Lights change - yellow, orange, green and yellow. Backdrops change - blurring faster than the blink of an eye - Sydney, London, Madrid, Dublin - opera house, cliff top, river bank.

Everything fades to black but one pair of rosy cheeks, one pair of brown eyes, one small tiny mouth, two tiny hands... petite yet towering amidst shrinking buildings, pale yet colourful in the fading lights...

I guess that I am home in the presence of my beloved... all is still and all shall remain still...

until the end of days...

Fighting a 3 fronted war...

There is an ancient saying that goes like this...

"Only an idiot will fight a two fronted war, and a madman to fight one on three sides..."

I guess I am a little mad at this point...

One side is my work, another is my family and the other someone really close to my heart...
How can I accomodate work requirements with family requirements when they clash? What can I do when family interests comes against my work interests? How can I reach out for my beloved's interest when I am mired in this neverending circle of obligation?

It is my sad realisation that amidst all these, I have lost my very own voice in everything... and here I am fighting a three fronted war, screaming in silence... gagged by obligation and anchored in an ever darkening world I no longer wished to be part of...

I must be a madman fighting a three fronted war